Like millions of people around the globe (everyone who has a TV probably) I treat Shark Week as an unofficial holiday. I don’t work (wait, that’s like every other week) I eat horrible food (ditto) and alternate between watching sharks on TV and napping on my couch (I sense a pattern). To commemorate the end of Shark Week, I take it to its natural conclusion: comparing college hockey teams and players to sharks.
Boston College: Shortfin Mako Shark
The Shortfin Mako Shark is often called the peregrine falcon of sharks. They aren’t big, but they move like crazy. Most move around 22 mph in the water, but one has been clocked at 43 mph. Shortfin mako sharks are extremely aggressive and will attack unprovoked. Likewise, BC has a group of small yet speedy forwards that attack the opposing defense to get their goals.
Michigan Tech: Goblin Shark
First off, absolutely do not click on that link if it’s dark out where you are. Unless you want nightmares. The goblin shark is so ugly it makes you want to pee your pants when you look at it. Much like if anyone was actually forced to watch Michigan Tech play.
Maine: Greenland Shark
Much like the Black Bears, the Greenland shark lives in a cold area that is relatively uninhabitable. The Greenland shark relies on a parasite that lives on its eye to attract prey. The parasite makes the shark glow, attracting fish. Much like the Greenland shark gets help for eating, Maine relies on help to get its scoring: their power play percent led the country last year, converting at a 27.7% clip.
Miami: Thresher Shark
Thresher sharks rely on an interesting system to catch prey: they swirl their large tails around in the water to trap fish in a whirlpool. The fish then huddle together, providing a perfect target. The thresher shark’s tail is so large that it accounts for roughly a third of the shark’s weight. The tail alone can weigh over 700 pounds. Miami also relies on a system to keep opponents out of the net, but Cody Reichard and Connor Knapp pull their fair share of the weight in net. Roughly one third of it perhaps?
North Dakota: Great White Shark
Great Whites basically do what they want, when they want. They eat anything from dolphins, to seals, to people, and even things like shoes, chairs and a box of nails. Their habitat is from the surface all the way to 4,000 feet. North Dakota is similarly versatile. Want to play a low scoring game: fine. Chay Genoway, Ben Blood, Derrick LaPoint, Andrew MacWilliam and Brad Eidsness will beat you 1-0. Want to play uptempo? Fair enough, Danny Kristo, Jason Gregoire and Brock Nelson are up to the task. Much like very few things survive an encounter with a great white, very few teams will survive an encounter with the Sioux this year.
Providence: Dwarf Gulper Shark
The Dwarf Gulper Shark serves as a meal for many other sharks, much as Providence serves as a nice easy win for the other Hockey East teams.
St. Cloud State: Tiger Shark
Tiger sharks are lean, mean killing machines. Their teeth are shaped like a circular saw, and although they prefer darker areas, they are vicious when their territory is encroached on. St. Cloud has a lot of offensive firepower and they are going to be very dangerous this year. Still, while tiger sharks often get mistaken for Great Whites when they aren’t as dangerous, the Huskies have the potential to be compared to teams that are better than they are.
Random scary looking guy on your favorite team: Frill Shark
Holy shit just look at that thing.
Minnesota: Basking shark
Although they look fearsome, basking sharks are relatively gentle, swimming roughly 3 miles per hour and preying on tiny plankton and fish eggs. Likewise, opponents may feel some fear when they see Minnesota emerge with the classic “M” on their chests and the pedigree that goes with it, but those fears should vanish relatively quickly after the game starts as the Gophers are similarly harmless.