Holidays Bring Maple Leafs, Others Gifts

Black Friday marks the beginning of the seasons annual herding toward big box stores and outlet malls. When it comes to the Toronto Maple Leafs and a few others I thought I would bring the bargain hunting tradition to their fans. These are gifts I know that the selected fan bases will appreciate, beginning with one of the leagues most historic franchises.

When it comes to the Maple Leafs their fan base is a tortured one. The hockey crazed city longs to schedule a Stanley Cup parade but until that point they seem intent on focusing their concerns on their captain, Dion Phaneuf. It seems that when the Leafs are going well, Phaneuf doesn’t get any of the credit but boy when they are going bad, Phaneuf is the whipping boy for all things Toronto hockey. Seems a little harsh for a defensemen with 8 points and a +9 so far this season.

Be that as it may, I bestow upon the fans of the Toronto Maple Leafs their very own Dion Phaneuf piñata. So as they fall back down the standings they can do exactly what they have dreamed of. Which is whack Phaneuf until the equivalent of his $7 million dollar salary falls out in play money. Phaneuf deserves better, but whack away nonetheless.

Another severely tortured fan base I know all to well are the Buffalo Sabres. Coming into tonight the Sabres are an astounding -39 with their goal differential. It’s bad enough they are on pace to barely score 100 goals this year but it would be nice to not get Jhonas Enroth and Michal Neuvirth killed in the process. To send one of these brave men out behind this defense – and I use that term loosely – seems blatantly unfair.

Therefore on Black Friday I will bestow upon the Sabres faithful a new league rule that allows for both goaltenders to play at the same time. This way each can split the nearly 40+ shots they have given up on a nightly basis. That, and I would kind of like to see Enroths’ point shot. Maybe he can help that power play.

The opposite of the Sabres this season have been the Anaheim Ducks. The Ducks are leading the league in points coming into Thursday’s slate of games with 25 and have played the last few without leading scorer Corey Perry and defensemen Francois Beauchemin. Why are they not playing? They were recently diagnosed with the mumps.

Yes, the same mumps seemingly everyone was vaccinated against when you were STILL IN DIAPERS.

Look, I don’t want to see the best players in the league on the shelf for any reason. But this one just feels ridiculous. So for the fans of the Ducks I will bring you a free cleaning service for the arena for the weekend to get rid of the scourge. That, and the team doctor can fly to Atlanta for the best of training in infectious disease by the CDC.

Speaking of teams fighting things I’ve already discussed how much in favor of goalies fighting I am. That said, and as much as Ben Bishop and his crease slam were great to watch, I think there is room to improve in his technique. Tampa is a stones throw from Orlando, where WWE has opened a new Performance Center for the training of new wrestlers.

For Bishop and the Tampa Bay Lightning, I think it’s important to continue to improve on their technique. After all for a team expecting to make a deep playoff run they are going to have to fight, scratch and claw their way to the top of the conference. I would look for a Black Friday deal on a private training session with the best of the WWE so that the next crease encroachment is dealt with more properly.

If your team didn’t take advantage of one of these specials, fear not. Shopping season is still young!