Putting together the best NHL team to successfully storm Area 51
By Jeremy Tuch
Can we put together a team of NHL players who would be able to get by the military and speak to the aliens inside Area 51? Let’s find out.
By now, you may have heard about the Facebook event where people are banding together to possibly invade Area 51. Are they actually going to charge on the base? Probably not. Why did they decide to do this? No idea, my best guess is because the internet is silly. But let’s hop on this bandwagon for a few minutes. Let’s see if we can put together a solid lineup of active NHL players who’d be good in an Area 51 raid.
Now, before you run to the comment section telling us how pointless this exercise is, don’t bother. We know how silly this is, and we’re doing it anyway. Just enjoy it for what it is. Again, nothing is going on, so this is how we entertain ourselves.
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Also, we now (probably) know that Area 51 is just a military training base for experimental aircraft, but that’s not important. There are some unusual criteria we need to look for when making the actual lineup. We aren’t necessarily looking for the best players. Rather, we’re looking for some qualities that’d be good for an attack on the secret base.
First, we must get by the military personnel who will be on guard. The Air Force has already declared they will be ready and waiting for any potential throng of crazies who want to see aliens, so we have to put together a team that can either overmatch or outfox the forces standing in the way.
That means we need tactical smarts, toughness, and shooting capabilities. We’ll also need some leadership and guts, and certainly a little bit of the kind of wackiness that comes with the territory of storming Area 51.
Additionally, there may be aliens to deal with once we get past the military. We would need to be able to communicate with them and attempt to be somewhat diplomatic, while also being ready to face the space-age weapons beyond human comprehension that we may face. Or we may end up playing them in a 3v3 hockey game. Maybe this is how hockey’s version of Space Jam happens. Who knows?
So we are putting together four full lines and three defense pairings, as well as a goalie tandem and head coach to try and storm Area 51, get by the military, and find the extra-terrestrial treasure on the inside of the base.
Now don your tin foil and gird your loins. Here’s what we put together.
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Offense
Line 1
Brad Marchand, Ryan O’Reilly, Alex Ovechkin
Our top line starts with O’Reilly as the center. He’s just off a Stanley Cup and Conn Smythe winning performance, which shows that he’s a born lead-by-example kinda guy that we would need to rally our troops for the invasion.
Also, we know he’s a tough guy because he pulled his own tooth out on stage in front of millions watching the ESPY Awards the other day, so it shows he can take a hit or two. On his wing is Brad Marchand, a man known for being the ultimate pest. He’s useful for many reasons, including shooting and getting under the opponent’s skin. Having the ultra-rat seems right. It’s hard to knock the USAF off their rocker, but Marchand should be up for the task.
Throw in one of the greatest snipers in history with Ovechkin (who also has experience in espionage) to back them up, and you have a solid group.
Line 2
Patrik Laine, William Karlsson, Elias Pettersson
Centering our second line is a man who’s now familiar with the Nevada desert, William “Wild Bill” Karlsson. Besides for his nickname, which means he’s gonna be your gun-slinging cowboy type in this fight, his know-how of the desert will come in handy.
He’s also a fantastic shooter, just like Patrik Laine, his linemate. Laine is big and is a part of the next wave of super snipers. Having that kind of reinforcement for your long distance coverage on a fight like this is key. Also, if the aliens challenge us to Fortnite, Laine’s got things under control.
To round out this line, we have Elias Pettersson. Pettersson is here because he’s a great shooter and a great set-up guy. He’s also called “The Alien” by his teammates, not because he looks like one (although this T-shirt exists), but because of his other-worldly skill.
So much so, that the Air Force would see him, exclaim, “One of them got out, bring him back!”, and he’d get easy access to the inside. Also, he might be able to communicate with the aliens in the base. He’s perfect for this.
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Line 3
Frans Nielsen, Joe Thornton, Phil Kessel
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, Frans Nielsen belongs here. Why? Two reasons. One, he wears number 51 for the Red Wings. If we’re storming Area 51, you need a 51 or two. Second, no one has more shootout goals than Nielsen does in history. His prowess in a shootout is literally second to none right now. If you’re raiding a military post, you can expect a shootout.
At center is Joe Thornton, your prototypical veteran leader whose beard now matches the aliens’ skin color. On the other wing is Phil Kessel, who is possibly related to the guy who named the Kessel Run from Star Wars. Phil could be helpful in communication because he can talk parsecs with the aliens who’ve heard the legend of the Millennium Falcon.
Line 4
Mats Zuccarello, Brian Boyle, Ryan Reaves
Brian Boyle is a hero, as documented by his victory over leukemia. If cancer can’t stop Boyle, nothing can, and his survivor instincts and battle-hardened spirit are both huge for either a fourth-line center role or a raid of a top-secret military base. They’re almost the same thing, after all.
We included Mats Zuccarello for his apparent resemblance to a lizard, according to his new GM Paul Fenton.
"“It’s kind of a strange thing, but I told him that he’s like a lizard, the way a lizard takes his tongue and sticks it as far as it does and retrieves what it was trying to do,” Fenton said Monday after signing Zuccarello, fellow right wing Ryan Hartman, 24, and a couple depth forwards to free-agent contracts”"
Lizards are good in the desert, sneaking around and blending in with their environment. That kind of camouflage is perfect for getting by the USAF.
We threw in Ryan Reaves here because of the Vegas connection (see Karlsson above), as well as his noted toughness and back-down-to-nobody attitude. Reaves is our enforcer who won’t back down to any aliens.
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Defense
Pair 1
Burns is one of the perfect players for this kind of event. He’s a fantastic shooter, moves well, and is the type of crazy that would fit right in with the other raiders. His beard is thick enough to deflect bullets, and long enough to protect some of his vital areas, so his sturdiness is well accounted for.
Speaking of sturdiness, you can’t get more sturdy than Zdeno Chara. He took a slap shot to the face, breaking his jaw in multiple places, and missed, what, two periods of play? Not only that, he didn’t even put a visor on, just the part that protected his jaw from further accidents. Just look at him during the intro to Game 5 of the Finals. He looked like he didn’t even care that he was playing with a broken jaw. Nothing can stop Chara.
Pair 2
Dustin Byfuglien and Andy Greene
As you might think when taking your defense into account, you need to be able to take as many hits as you give. Big Buff is exactly the type to be The Hulk of our group. He’s big, strong, and players bounce right off of him when the two collide. Not only that, he’s strong enough to take on two guys at once.
With him is Andy Greene, a born leader and one of the league’s true underdogs. This past season, the Devils captain logged the most shorthanded time of anyone in the league and blocked over 10% more shots than any one player in the NHL. He’s another helpful defender who’s just plain tough to beat, no matter the odds. This pairing is great for holding the line.
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Pair 3
This is a more offensive pairing, sure. But it makes sense, and here’s why. Jake Gardiner is a great offensive defenseman, but he’s known a bit for wandering around. This is helpful when scouting out the region for any nooks and crannies in the mountains nearby available to set up position for an attack. He is another player who wears #51 (or at least he did with the Leafs), so that’s an added plus.
Pair with him Shea Weber, and you have a great compliment to Gardiner’s adventurousness. Weber has one of the heaviest shots in the league, as shown in skills competitions over the years. He is another one of those grizzled vets who knows how to lead by example. Those two combined are a great complementary pair for special ops missions.
Goalies
Marc-Andre Fleury and Ilya Bryzgalov
Every attack and defense needs a little bit of creativity and ingenuity. Marc-Andre Fleury being the ultimate prankster is your answer here. Not only does Fleury have that Nevada know-how that’s huge for a raid of Area 51, but his trickiness would be equivalent of the hijinks Wile E. Coyote pulls off in search for the Roadrunner, only Fleury’s will work.
Now, we are breaking a rule by including Bryzgalov here, but I think we all know why he’s here, and that makes it OK. We obviously need Mr. Universe around for when we get to the aliens on the inside. He will be the brains of the entire operation once we get past the military. No one knows the vast depths of the universe like Bryz. You could say his importance for this is “So Humangous Big”.
Coach
Realistically we could have gone with a few different options here, but there’s one reason above all else we picked Laviolette. If you ever watched South Park, you would know that aliens believe that cows are the most intelligent life forms on planet Earth.
Coach Laviolette knows a thing or two about cows and can use that experience to communicate with our extra-terrestrial friends-to-be. It’s all we have to work off of in terms of reaching out to the aliens, so it’s our best bet.
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Conclusion
What’s there to say? It’s summer, and we’ve been out in the sun too long that this is what’s going through our heads at the moment. At least it’s topical! Hope you had fun reading this. If you have any ideas on who else could have made the cut, let us know in the comments.