Halloween Hockey: Your favorite NHL players as candy
It’s Halloween, and here at Puck Prose, we thought we’d have a little fun with everyone’s favorite excuse to eat processed sugar. Here are a few hockey players as classic Halloween candies.
NHL players are like Halloween candies. You’ve got people who love them and people who can’t stand them. Everyone has their opinion on certain players, and with most of them, there’s not too much middle ground.
People have similar feelings about Halloween candies. Take candy corn, for example. Not too many people “like” it. They either LOVE it or think it’s the most disgusting thing ever. And unless you want a fight, don’t start talking about Almond Joy or Smarties. Friendships have been lost over disagreements about Halloween candy. Likewise, some friendships have been burned to the ground because of differing opinions about hockey players.
No matter what kind of player you like, hockey’s got one. Likewise, no matter what your taste palate prefers, there’s a good Halloween candy for you.
Ryan Suter – Gobstopper
Gobstoppers might not be the most spectacular candy, but they’ve been destroying molars of unsuspecting trick-or-treaters for decades. As part of the Wonka brand, they’re a high profile candy whether they deserve the recognition or not.
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While it seems like yesterday, Ryan Suter signed that ridiculous $98 million contract with the Minnesota Wild five years ago. In ensuing years, the hockey community has struggled to decide whether he’s worth the coin.
Suter is elite in one aspect: eating ice time. Not unlike a Gobstopper, he’s in it for the long haul, including an eye-popping 29:25 time on ice per night in his first full season with the Wild back in 2013-14.
It’s remarkable how long Suter has lasted. Likewise, a Gobstopper can last you a very long time. It’s not a taste for everyone because of how long it takes to properly enjoy one. But just like Suter, if you like longevity, Gobstoppers are perfect. To complete the comparison, he has the approximate personality of a jawbreaker.
Zdeno Chara – Rainbow Sour Belt
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It’s a Halloween candy by many names. Some of us may enjoy Air Heads Extremes. Others like Rainbow Sour Belts. There are rumored to be nutty people that even like Sour Patch Kids and Warheads. Whatever you know them as, they’re long, wide, a bit lanky, and definitely pack a punch. There’s substance below the surface, with a delicious sugary flavor under all that sour dust on the surface.
Zdeno Chara is famous for his height. The 6’9″ defenseman has become a legend for the Boston Bruins not only for his imposing physicality but his all-around skill set. He’s the latest star in a franchise well known for having some all-time great defensemen. It’d be easy to go with, say, Sour Punch Straws here, but he’s also not a slight man. At 260 pounds he’s got a bit of a mean streak, with over 50 entries on his Hockey Fights resume.
He’s also one of the most decorated defensemen of his generation, with seven year-end All-Star team appearances and a Norris Trophy in 2008-09. Rainbow Sour Belts have a bit of a sweet side to them. And so does Chara, as he regularly scares surprises kids at hospitals by dressing up in costumes. Deep down, he’s a very nice and sweet guy. But Chara’s definitely got a sour edge to him.
Evgeny Kuznetsov – Hershey’s Chocolate
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Hershey Bars are delicious. We’ll have none of your hot takes about how much better Cadbury is England or Swiss superiority here at Puck Prose. It’s the perfect blend of chocolate and other goodies. Their milk chocolate, in particular, is the optimal amount of milk and chocolate.
Hershey Bars also melt when it gets hot. Fair or not, Kuznetsov and the Washington Capitals take a lot of grief for their performances in the springtime. You’ve got to enjoy Hershey’s when it’s cold out, or at least keep it out of the heat. Because otherwise, you’re left with a sticky mess.
Kuznetsov famously fell apart down the stretch in 2016, with just two points in 12 playoff games. He had a better 2017, posting seven points in the Capitals second-round loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins. The Caps still came up short to the eventual Stanley Cup Champions. Hershey makes a wonderful chocolate bar, but it’s very disappointing and messy if left in the heat. The same could be said for the Capitals. Washington’s annual second-round exit is as much of a May tradition as eating chocolate is a Halloween tradition.
What say you, Puck Prose reader? Am I too harsh on the Capitals? Is there a better lengthy candy to liken Chara to? Let us know in the comments.
Connor McDavid – Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
It’s hard for hockey fans to agree on just about everything. Everyone has controversial opinions on something. If someone says “the sky is blue”, some hockey fan would probably argue it’s another color. But one thing all NHL fans can agree on is that Connor McDavid of the Edmonton Oilers is extremely enjoyable. If you don’t love watching him play, chances are it’s because he’s making your team look silly.
Likewise, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are indisputably THE BEST Halloween candy. Peanut butter and chocolate in one cup. That’s a legendary duo, one that nobody except those allergic to peanuts can find a reason to hate.
McDavid is just like that. His blend of speed and skill is intoxicating. Just like you can’t resist the temptation of chocolate and peanut butter melting in your mouth, you can’t deny you enjoy watching McDavid turn defensemen into pylons and pumpkins.
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Reese’s is the most popular Halloween candy, according to a recent study. And McDavid’s jersey is among the NHL’s top sellers. Other than maybe Sidney Crosby, he’s probably the most recognizable and popular hockey player. So if you try to say you don’t like McDavid, just give in. Likewise, don’t try to say you hate Reese’s because, like number 97, it’s a universal good.