We’ve all been there before: we trek out to the arena in our favorite team’s sweater, all pumped up about the chance to see your team live. You pass the other lunatic fans in the halls, chanting your team’s name. You get to your seat, all jacked up, and then it smacks you in the face: you’re sitting behind the annoying fan.
You know the type. It brings the experience down just a notch as you have to deal with mister annoying fan. You resist the urge to scream at him or smack him (maybe) all throughout the game. If your team wins, dealing with him is the price of doing business. But if you lose? It just made your night that much more miserable.
What makes things difficult is that there is no one type of annoying fan. So here at Too Many Men on the Site, I have been self-appointed to provide all the readers with this public service announcement: the 10 most annoying fans at the arena are set below, in no particular order. Because let’s be honest, annoying is annoying, and these fans are the worst kind:
1. The guy who yells “shoot” at the home team whenever they are on the power play.
It’s not like the annoying fan’s screaming is based in any kind of sound strategy. They just love yelling “shoot” whenever the home team has the puck, no matter where they are on the ice. The puck is at the blue-line? Shoot. The puck is behind the net? Shoot. The puck was cleared and now the goalie has it back in his own end? Shoot. Basically anywhere in the arena is a good place to shoot it from on the power play according to this guy. And if you’re not shooting, you’re failing, regardless if passing is the better play.
If you ever want to see the “shoot” guy at an arena, just head over the Madison Square Garden for a Ranger game. They generally have about 10,000 of these fans present at all times.
2. The guy on his cell phone waving to his friend across the arena.
It’s bad enough when the guy does it during a break in the action. It takes it to a whole other level or terribleness to do it when the play is live. Usually this guy is wearing a brand new jersey with the tags still on and doesn’t understand when people start screaming at him to sit down or hurl a bottle in his general direction (also referred to “Penguin fans” in some corners.) Thanks guy, I really wanted to stare at your back when there is a two on one coming down the ice. I hope you found your friend…jerk.
3. The guy who arrives half way through the first period and leaves his seat a minimum of a dozen times the rest of the night.
Listen, it’s bad enough you’re showing up late and causing a big scene when you finally arrive (yes, the tickets clearly state the puck drops at 7:05, not 7:25), but then I need to watch you get and up down non-stop, first for a beer…then a hotdog…then the bathroom…then another beer…
I mean, c’mon guy, at least pretend you want to watch what’s happening. And the worst part of this annoying fan? He’ll undoubtedly ask everyone around him twenty questions during the time he is seated: “wait, how did they tie it up…are we still on the power play…how did he get hurt?” Ya know what buddy, how ’bout next time you leave for a beer you get a second, just so it saves you a trip, okay?
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4. The guy auditioning for a color analyst job during the game.
You know who I’m talking about: the guy who tries talking very technical about the nuances of the game to himself, but loud enough so everyone in row can hear him. “That’s actually a great move going to the left-wing lock in that spot…we should probably utilize an umbrella here on this power play…very heady play to chip it out there.” He may or may not realize he’s doing this, but either way he deserves to be shouted down.
Buddy, I didn’t plunk down $60 to sit in traffic, pay $20 to park, sip on $9 beer just to hear your analysis from section 300, okay? Plus, how can I loudly analyze the game myself if you’re already doing it?
5. The guy (or gal, to be fair) who decides to take a selfie with the ice as the background.
For my true feelings on this recent phenomena, here goes: there is a special place in hell reserved for these people. Again, they won’t do it during a commercial break (which still makes my blood boil.) No. They’ll wait for a crucial penalty kill late in the game before standing up, turning around, fixing their hair, and making a ridiculous duck-face before snapping about ten pictures of themselves. And of course they’ll flip through the pictures, while standing, as the play goes on.
Of course this fan is the descendant of the “can you take a picture of me and my girlfriend” guy who thinks you paid serious cash to act as their personal photog. Man, I hate this guy.
6. Philadelphia Flyer fans.
No explanation needed.
7. The guy who swears you’re in his seat, only to be revealed that he’s lost.
You’re sitting down finally, about to take a bite out of your $11 chicken sandwich, when this annoying fan begins hovering over you and declaring “YOU’RE IN MY SEAT.” Slightly embarrassed, you drop half your sandwich and begin fumbling around your pocket for your ticket, the whole time thinking “oh Christ please don’t let me be in wrong seat.” After a minute of fumbling, the usher walking over to make sure things are okay, you finally find your ticket and shove it in the annoying fan’s face. He looks over it as the arrogant smirk starts fading off his face as he double checks his ticket. “Oh, this is section 224…I’m in section 317.”
The only good part is after he sheepishly cowers away and you feel like you can take on anyone in the arena. “Anyone else want a piece of me?!? That’s what I thought.”
8. The obnoxious fan who starts cursing at everyone on the opposing team as children look on in horror.
This guy generally is the obliterated guy too. This fan is less annoying and more cringe-worthy as he’ll let fly just the worst imaginable things out of his mouth. He’s the guy you have to keep one eye on all game because he’ll generally try to instigate three fights with people surrounding him who have the audacity to tell him to calm down. I mean, he paid for his seats…if he wants to make everyone else around him uncomfortable at his expense, then so be it, right?
The only good thing about this fan is he has the unique ability to bring all the other fans, annoying and not, together in an effort to get this guy tossed. Efforts are generally successful by the second period.
9. The guy who takes his fandom a little too serious.
He’s not really a bad fan. In fact, he’s about as passionate a fan as you can have. Unfortunately every little play during the course of a game causes him to react like game 7 of the Finals. Arms are thrown in the air. Wild hand gestures are a plenty. Chances are he wears his hat inside out when the team is losing in an effort to spark a rally. He’s a great fan to sit next to as long as you don’t mind sudden outbursts of screaming and crying.
The end result is usually the guy sobbing quietly into his hands as his significant other gently rubs his back with a “maybe I should take a cab home” look on her face.
10. The guy who spends all game texting and playing with his phone.
Hey, you want to spend your money and not pay attention to the game, I’m cool with that. But without a doubt this guy is sitting in better seats than me and his general apathy towards the game bothers me for some reason. I mean, why not switch seats with someone who will appreciate them more? Oh you don’t want to sit three rows from the top of the arena? Well, screw you then phone guy.
There you have it. The list of most annoying fans you’ll encounter at your local arena. You may even have other “fans” that annoy you, so feel free to let me know about them in the comment section.
And if you’ve been to a game and haven’t encountered any of the fans above? Well, chances are you’re the annoying fan then.